I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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