So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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