can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Moan for me like Helen Keller
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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