Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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