i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
