apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
