I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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