Need sex. Gaining weight.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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