Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
