My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
whose ass print is on the piano?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Can't talk, ducks in the car
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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