He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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