either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
