my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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