I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
