Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
