Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
