i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
