Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
