I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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