I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
