Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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