I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
