Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
