you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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