I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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