Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
