Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
