Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
