Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
