I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
