Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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