I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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