dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
