Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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