if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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