How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
