it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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