I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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