I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
