When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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