You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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