You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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