there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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