She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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