She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
