he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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