just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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