I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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