is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
