I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize