Pants 0. Shit 1.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
