Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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