I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
