Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
