He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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