Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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