If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
