Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I believe in your delicious
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
