she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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