Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
